Categories
Isa's Personal Thoughts

Are you part of the team?

‘The world is changing, and we are in The Transition Team,’ I tell my 11-year-old daughter proudly, and then I cry.

She told me she thinks she lives in the worst of times ever because of how people are treating our planet these days. ‘Nooo,’ I answer, ‘The world is changing, and we are in The Transition Team.’ That is how I feel.

There are so many wonderful things happening now in our world. I am sure more good than bad. But unfortunately, the media chooses only to show the bad, which gives us the idea, all is bad.

Even though I do not watch television or read newspapers, negative news comes to me daily on Social Media.

When I came to the beautiful island of Bali, I only saw the beauty and was all in Aw. Later I started seeing all the rubbish and plastic everywhere, and I found myself in another kind of Aw.

Whenever I go into a shop or a market, and they ask me if I want a plastic bag, or if they give it to me without asking, I tell them in a very disgusted voice: ‘noooo, tidak plastic.’ As if I have to teach them something.

Talking to a friend who was here five years ago and is living here now, I realize I am wrong. He tells me the plastic now is about one-third of what it was five years ago. So there already is a lot of improvement. There already is a transition going on.

I could have known since there are many (beach) clean-ups and bamboo is taking over plastic everywhere.

I tell my daughter she is here on this planet to be part of the change, on the positive side of it all. And that I am absolutely convinced:

Good will win over bad every time.

As I tell her it has to be so because that is why we are in Bali, I burst out in tears.

At that point, I realized more than ever that being on The Transition Team was why my marriage broke. My husband could not cope with it.

Never would I have thought of being the kind of mother that leaves her children behind. Yet I did. My beautiful 19-year-old son is many miles away from his mother, as is my wonderful 23-year-old daughter.

They are no toddlers, I know, but they still need their mother. I need mine, and I am in my fifties.

Thank God for the internet. So we can call, video call, and Whatsapp as much as we want. Wonderful. But drinking a cup of tea together and being able to hug each other is way better.

Don’t think I woke up one morning and decided to be part of The Team. Without realizing it, I must have been on it already for many years, maybe even forever.

I have always been different.

My house was smoke-free, 20 years before anyone else’s. We ate organic before any of my friends. I still meet people who need to learn about GMO, MSG, and everything else. But they do know all about the most horrible deceases and all the medicines that go along with them. Yet looking at what you eat is not in their book. Talking to them makes me feel like I am from another planet. 

You, the reader, may even ask yourself what food has to do with The Transition Team. 

The answer is; Everything.

My grandmother was not the kind of grandmother my friends had. She was the kind of grandmother my children have. So she was ahead of her time. And that is how I feel. As if I am ahead of my time. Which is not easy because it means I belong outside this time.

Coming from a line of strong women, I know I will survive this, as did the women before me. I can already see it in my daughters too. As I believe we choose our lives ourselves, I wonder why I decided to be on The Transition Team.

Is this all worth paying this price?

Then I read a post from someone on the warrior side of The Team saying that in a few years, our children will ask us what we did about all the bad things that were destroying our planet.

And he asked if your answer would be, you did something, or if your answer would have to be, you didn’t give a damn.

I know my answer. Do you know yours?

Bali, 2019 October 15

Categories
Speeches

A whisper for help

‘I’d rather live in his world than be without him in mine’ I hear the lady singing on the radio. I hear the words and let them sink in as she sings again: ‘I’d rather live in his world than be without him in mine’. I realize that is what I have been doing for many, many years.

I put my husband in position number 1, 2 and 3. Probably even in 4 and 5. Then my 3 amazing children. The dog, the cat, Guiney pigs, and chicken. And somewhere around here is where I would be.

I am living in this beautiful house, with a beautiful garden, with my beautiful family, a beautiful husband, and beautiful children. My beautiful mama is alive and kicking. We are all healthy. We travel. I am living The Life.

People look up to us. Some even envy us. Married for almost 25 years and still happy. We are an exemplary couple. Our children are doing great. They are polite and friendly, doing well in school. My dog is the best dog in the world. I am living The Life.

One day I notice I can see my children, I can see my husband, I can see the dog. I can hear them. I can even see and hear myself responding to them. It is as if I am not here. As if I am in a different dimension.

Next morning I find myself in their dimension again. This is strange. And it goes on and off. Me being in one dimension or the other. Whenever I am in the ‘off’ dimension and I am by myself, I cry. I don’t understand this. There is nothing to cry about. I’ve got everything I want, I’ve got everything I need. Why am I crying? What is even more confusing: there is only one thing I want when I am in that place: to get out. I mean really out, out.

Here I am, this upbeat woman, always smiling, always looking on the bright side of life, friends coming to me for that, since Jacqueline knows how to put focus on the positive stuff, Jacqueline knows where the positive stuff is, having to admit, I am in a depression.

I cry out to my best girlfriend. For me, it feels like crying out. But it is no more than a little whisper. The only thing I can get myself to say to her is that I am not okay. She doesn’t pick up.

In a fight with my husband, I cry out again. So he hears a whisper saying: ‘You have no idea how it feels, to have a mind that is so fucked up, I already wrote my letters of goodbye to you and the children’. I cannot get myself to tell him I already know when, where and how.

He picks up. He hears me. We talk about the possibilities of how to get me out of this. He suggests that I go to my mama’s and he will take care of things at home. This is funny to me because I don’t think he even knows what a vacuum cleaner looks like, let alone where to find it or how to use it. But I take him up on his offer. I don’t go to my mothers though. Instead, I go to Ibiza.

For the first 3 days in Ibiza, I only sleep. I feel like a grizzly bear. I sleep, eat and go to the bathroom, that’s the only thing I do. After that, I dig into the Internet and find what I need to get myself out of this depression. For me that is how the world works: the Universe provides.

It doesn’t stop there. This is the start of me digging myself out of the hole I put myself into and upgrading myself to being in position number 1, the main reason why I am here in Bali today, without my husband. I feel more alive than ever. Now I am living The Life: My Life.

I am not here to tell you how to get out of depression. I am also not here to talk you into one. What I am here to tell you is to not underestimate depression, to take it very seriously and to hear that little whisper, if it comes your way. Because I know, and I want you to know: it can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere.

Thank you.

Toastmasters – Ubud / 2019, September 4

Categories
Isa's Personal Thoughts

CTRL-ALT-DEL

Do you ever experience those moments when everything seems to be going smoothly, and you start thinking to yourself,

“Wow, life is truly wonderful”?

But then, out of nowhere, chaos ensues, leaving you bewildered and unsure of where even to begin untangling the mess?

Well, the same kind of scenario recently unfolded with my website. I had this grand plan to switch over to a new domain name and integrate it seamlessly into my existing site.

However, as it turns out, I had the order of operations completely wrong, leading to unexpected complications.

So after a while, I decided to take a page out of the CTRL-ALT-DEL playbook: clear my mind and my site and start from scratch.

And let me tell you; it’s been an incredibly refreshing experience.

In fact, I’m genuinely looking forward to this fresh start and the possibilities it holds!

With love,

Isa