Category: Isa’s Personal Thoughts

I saw a reel stating that every success comes at a cost and that every failure teaches you something. So if someone tells you a success story, ask them: at what cost? And if someone tells you a drama story, you could ask them: what did you learn?

I can see that to be true.

Living here in Bali is a dream come true. But the cost was my marriage.

Living a financially abundant life had the cost of my mom dying.

A drama story would be my last toxic relationship. Yes, not my first, but hopefully, my last toxic one.

So what did I learn?

And then there is silence.

I have to think.

I must learn to trust my intuition or instincts more if I have to say anything.

On the first date, we had lunch. We sat beside each other, and I wondered why my body wanted to turn my back on him. I had to force it to sit straight, and it was even more challenging to turn the other way to be able to look at him. 

He is the second guy ever I could sleep in his arms.
But after a few months, I could not anymore.

He is the only one I could sleep naked next to.
But after a few months, I could not anymore.

He made me feel young and alive.
After a few months, my body started aching in many places: head, knee, foot, and shoulder muscles.

I had trouble sleeping. When he was there but also when he was not.
I laughed it away by saying that people in love need less sleep.

Many things happened while we were together that made me cry. I felt disrespected, unseen, and unheard so often. 

But I also felt loved. 

I heard myself repeatedly saying things like: ‘Stop lying to me’ and ‘Why do you not believe me?’ and ‘Why do you keep doing these things?’ I heard myself bitching at him so often. It confused me. That is not who I am. I am a nice person.

He told me many times he is not good at relationships.
Oprah says: ‘If someone tells you they are an asshole, believe them.’ Probably, she says it more politely, but this is the stretch.

So many signs and red flags, and I did not (want to) see them. 

My head kept telling me that he was a good guy, and because he comes from another country with different beliefs and values, he never did it on purpose and gave it his best.

But this does not mean I have to accept this behavior.

At one point, I had an outburst towards him. It only took a few seconds. But it was so loud and aggressive that it scared me. It was as if I had left my body and was watching myself doing that. My mind was so confused. I could not believe or understand I did that. 

Today I believe the voice I heard yelling that night was my subconscious.

Because till then, I would not listen to all it was letting me feel. Apparently, I needed to hear it. Out loud.

And even after that outburst, it took me another day full of disrespect, confusion, and crying to figure out I had to end this relationship.

Since I finally ended it, I have slept like a baby. My aches are gone. I feel happy, relieved, and energetic. I am a nice person again.

Obviously, this is a person I will never return to. I do not need this kind of relationship in my life.

After a few weeks of happy silence, he contacts me because he wants to meet me to talk. 

My mother Teresa syndrome tells me I should give him that, even if only to give him some closure. Because I thought I already had mine.

When we meet, I notice his eyes are red. The fool in me wondered if he had emotions after all. But it was from alcohol. Of course.

The talk went as I predicted.

How are the kids doing? 
Are you still going to class Bahasa Indonesia?
When will you write your book?

As I sat next to him, listening to these questions and engaging in small talk, a mixture of emotions swirled within me. 

Deep down, I had hoped for a heartfelt revelation, a genuine expression of love or remorse. But as the conversation unfolded, it became clear that such sentiments were unlikely to come. This was to be expected, knowing he never showed any emotions during the relationship. But hey, one can hope.

I’ve learned that sometimes, even when we give our all, and I gave him my body, mind, heart, and soul, the other person may not truly understand or appreciate what they have. Or have the ability to give back the same depth of emotion.

And I have to accept that that’s okay. 

It doesn’t diminish the significance of what we had; it simply means we must move forward.

I realized closure doesn’t require validation or a grand declaration of love. It has to come from within, from acknowledging the lessons learned and embracing the newfound happiness and freedom that awaits.

I hope he can feel the same.

Walking away from that conversation, I understood that not every love story is meant to have a fairytale ending. 

I realized I have to cherish our shared moments. This man did bring joy and love into my life, even if it was accompanied by pain and heartbreak. 

As I look into the future, I vow to trust my intuition, cherish myself, and seek a partner who genuinely feels and shares the same depth as my feelings.

I need that.

I deserve that.

I read somewhere that sometimes, the lessons we learn from toxic relationships are just as important as the happiness we find in the right ones.

I wish to experience a right one next time.

I look forward to this new chapter of my life.
Knowing that every success and every failure has shaped me into the person I have become.

And I happen to like this person very much.

To me, this is a day about being grateful that my kids have chosen me as their mother. 

I am honored to be a mom of three. And that they are all three still in my life. We are in good relations with each other, all four of us. 

I hear many stories about kids no longer being in contact with one or both parents. Also, dads and sometimes even moms who are not talking to their kids anymore for whatever reason.

That is so sad.

And something I cannot imagine. 

I love my kids. They are unique human beings. All three are very different in looks, character, and even beliefs. 

I find them interesting and want to learn from them. They have a fresh way of looking at the world. I love their ideas, way of thinking, and creativity.

My youngest asked me one day for a school project: what is love to you?

I replied with a question: love for what? 

• I love my cats. Meaning I feed them, clean their litter boxes, and cuddle them.
• I love my bed. So I make it every morning and spend as much time in it as possible.
• I love my partner. So I want to spend time with him, take care of him, and give him the better half of the food I cook, even if it is my favorite.
• I love my kids unconditionally. So I respect their choices even if I sometimes (or maybe even often) do not understand them; I will always be there for them no matter what.

She asked me: what if I would kill someone?
Me: I would still love you and be there for you.
Her: You are crazy.

It is a cliche but so true: 
One cannot understand a parent’s love until one holds their firstborn.

So Mother’s Day to me is not about receiving flowers or candy. 

My kids love me 365 days a year, and they show it by talking to, being with, and respecting me. They help me, educate me. Share their thoughts and ideas with me. 

This makes me super grateful.

If Mother’s Day does anything to me, it makes me miss my Mom even more. She was my best friend. I often say: I hope I am not as important to my kids as my Mom is to me because that frightens me.

Motherhood is a gift, not a given.
Having a mother is also a gift, not a given.

I treasure it.

I wish you do too. 

And if, for whatever reason, you are not in contact with your Mom or child, this is an excellent day to reflect on that and ask yourself if it is worth it.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that sometimes it is. But mostly, I hear trivial stories. 

Know that once they are gone, there is nothing you can do about the situation anymore. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings or if tomorrow even comes.

So you should take action today. Pick up that phone. Write that message. Send flowers or candy. Anything. 

Just take a step.

I strongly believe in effortlessness. Meaning: The Universe will always have my back. I will always be where I need to be. I will always have what I need, including money.

Therefore when I was in Bali in February 2019 to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and my heart told me I had to move to Bali, I did.

When I was in The Netherlands two years later to take care of my mom, I did not want to be there but knew I would be happy later if I stayed. So I did, and I am so grateful for our last months together.

While waiting for an opportunity to return to Bali after taking care of the funeral and selling the house, my inner voice told me to do the waiting in Spain.

We did.

We had a fantastic one-month road trip, me and my three kids. I was in awe of Spain. And it was an excellent opportunity for the four of us to adjust to being around each other again.

Since there was still no window to go to Bali, we decided to make a tour through Africa after the Spain adventure.

My whole system was excited, body, mind, and soul. The trip would be out of this world. The thought of seeing the big four, going on a helicopter ride, and the amazing glamping still excites me.

I wanted to pay for this tour, but something stopped me.

The next day there is an opportunity to go to Bali.

So we did.

To find a changed Bali.

The main reason to go back to Bail was because of my youngest daughter’s school. She loved that school. My other two have had it rough in Middle and High School. So I wanted at least one child to have happy memories of that time.

The school had moved to a new building in a different area. It is beautiful, but the whole vibe the old school had, is gone. So are many students as their parents decided to move back to their home country during the plandamic.

So had many of my friends.

The prices of land and properties rocketed. Thanks to the Russians who, for some reason, love to overpay. A concept I, as a Dutchie, will never be able to grasp.

The rules are stricter, so I cannot do any work here.

My financial situation is on the edge of being either a smashing success or an epic fail.

I thought I had found love, but I did not.

My daughter no longer attends school but does the school work at home.

This makes me wonder: why the hell am I here??

But if not here? Then where?

I miss my friends and family in the Netherlands. But the only item I am sure about now is that I do not want to move back there.

The kids are talking about moving to Spain.

Are you kidding me? I finally speak basic Bahasa Indonesia, and now you want me to learn Spanish? And have you all forgotten what a nightmare food is for a vegan in Spain? And how cold it has been?

Making a road trip is quite different than living in that country.

And it took me a year to get my stuff to Bali, and now we have to move overseas again?

Two of my son’s friends are moving to Bali in a few weeks.

They would live in my house, the three of them together, and I would find a new place for me and my daughter.

But as I said: prices are sky-high, and I have no idea about my finances.

After staying here for six months or a year, they want to move to Spain. Together. So also my son.

I have no idea what will happen. But I do know that I still feel happy and relaxed. It will all work out fine. It is already okay. And I am very curious about how this journey will unfold.

Trusting the Universe makes it very easy for me to adapt. And that is what I will do.

One step at a time.

And my first step right now is going to the beauty salon for a cream bath for my hair, a lovely dinner, and some good laughs at the Comedy Club.

Life is good.

How can it become any better than this?

Well, I did it all, and as a bonus, I went to Carmen’s Wine Bar to dance to some great music.

Once upon a time, a young man named Aman lived in the desert of a faraway country. Aman was born and raised in a Muslim family, and his beliefs and values were deeply rooted in his culture.

One day, while at a coffee shop on the beautiful Island of Bali, he saw a woman, many years beyond his, sitting alone at a table. Her name was Leila, and she was from a family not believing in a God but in the power of the Universe. She was born and raised in a city in Europe.

They started talking and soon realized they had an instant connection. It felt as if they had known each other for a long time. Maybe even beyond this lifetime.

Aman and Leila started seeing each other frequently and soon fell in love. They were both aware of their contrasts: culturally, religiously, beliefs, and especially their age.

But their love for each other transcended all boundaries and numbers. They respected each other. They taught and learned a lot from each other’s variances. They felt like they belonged together, and nothing could come between them.

Despite their love for each other, Aman and Leila faced challenges. They both knew that his family would disapprove of their relationship. And communication sometimes was difficult since they both had to use a language that was not their mother tongue. In addition, she was a vegan, and he was not. However, they were determined to make it work.

Every time they met, they felt like they were in their own world. They were happy together, and their love grew stronger with each passing day. They talked about their dreams and plans for the future and knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. So he named her his lovely wife, and to her, he was her handsome husband.

However, one day, Aman and Leila realized their love was also causing much pain and heartache until they knew they had to let each other go, even though it broke their hearts.

They both decided to end their relationship, hoping time would heal their wounds.

Years passed, and Aman and Leila moved on with their lives. They had both found happiness, but they never forgot the love that they had shared. They both realized their love was unique and a connection beyond worldly boundaries. They knew their love would always be a part of them, guiding them throughout their lives. Therefore their thoughts of each other were always filled with love and gratitude.

Life does not always give what you want but always gives what you need.

Unfortunately, sometimes that also means you must set someone free if you genuinely love them.

Tonight I had the best date ever. Since I put my needs over his.

He (Maga, 31) contacted me through Bumble. His pictures show a beautiful, skinny guy from Cape Town. Beautiful short rasta curls. Gorgeous lips.

He texts me and says he is in the car and wants to drive by to say HI. It is 11 pm. I told him it was not possible because my daughter lives with me. He insisted. To come by and say HI, nothing else.

He shares his live location. So when he is near, I walk the dogs and meet him at the end/beginning of my gang.

He gets out of the car, looks at me, hugs and kisses me, and tells me: ‘I don’t want you to look for another guy ever again; I want to make you happy.’

I always admire myself for keeping a straight face when I hear BS like that.

We sit in the car and fool around. At least he did with me. This was fun.

The next day he texts me. He is charming.

The day after, he video calls me from his friend’s house. I even get to talk to the friend. He is more my type. A bit fuller. I don’t fall for skinny guys. I love a teddy bear kinda guy.

I tell Maga I am going to the Comedy Lab this evening. And ask him to join me.

I tell him it starts at 6, and he tells me he will pick me up at 7. Really?

But after talking for a while, he gets it. It is clear to him that I want to be there at 5.45, so he agrees to pick me up at 5.30. He promises, at least five times, to be on time.

‘You don’t trust me??’

Well, as a matter of effect, I don’t, but I am willing to give your gorgeous ass the benefit of the doubt.

I kept my nerves down by drinking a few shots of Arak and smoking about half a pack of cigarettes the one hour before he arrives. Because, of course, he is 45 minutes late, the Comedy Lab has already started.

I intend not to break the mood since everything happens for a reason and just to be happy to see him.

Driving off, he tells me he has to go to his brother’s house to pick up some money and buy him electricity. But he will bring me to the Comedy Lab first, do his thing and come to join me.

Really?? I told him I wanted to take a GoCar (taxi), but he insisted on picking me up at my house.

I am not walking into a comedy show one hour late by myself. First, it is extremely rude, and second, it is a comedy show, which means I will be roasted. No doubt.

I tell him we will do his stuff, and after that, we will go to the Comedy Lab; together if there still is time.

The music in the car is loud. And not very romantic. But I love that he sings along.

He asks me for a cigarette. I tell him no because I hate smoking in the car.

He also makes it very clear he has no money as he keeps asking if I have the money for drinks. I tell him; I am not going there to drink. I am going there for the show. But sure, he can have a drink.

After picking up the money, he gets into the car, smoking.

He asks me: where next? And he suggests going for drinks and then to his villa. Which is in Ubud, so 45 minutes from my house.

My inner voice tells me to tell him to take me home.

I open my mouth to say that, and his phone rings.
After his call, I tell him I know an excellent place for drinks.

We are 100 meters away from Tropical Nomad. I love that place. I also know; they only serve coffee.

He is very disappointed not to get alcohol.

We sit down. It is such a romantic setting there. Outside, little open cabins with romantic lighting and couches. Beautiful garden.

He asks me if everything is okay. And I tell him to drink his coffee, eat his cookie, and go. I will take a GoCar home.

He is upset. He tells me all kinds of excuses for being late. And how he does not want to send me by GoCar to the Comedy Lab or home because he wants to take care of me. His goal is to make me happy.

‘Well, you make me happy by leaving.’

I order my GoCar.
He cannot believe this is happening. But finally, he decides to leave.

When my GoCar is close by, I walk outside and see him there, sitting in his car. He drives up next to me. Pleading me for permission to take me home.

‘No.’

The GoCar driver is a lovely man and speaks good English. We talk. And I tell him what had happened. He laughs and apologizes for it. I tell him it is okay to laugh because it is funny. And I am happy; my date is not.

He showed me he could not be trusted. He obviously is a freewheeler. And he sees things utterly opposite as I do.
But I was curious. And he was gorgeous.
So, I told myself to let it go.

However, when my inner being told me to go home, I listened.

And I did it the smart way. Because, first, I had to get out of that car, where he was in control.

During the talk, that made clear it was over for me; I wondered a few times if he would get aggressive by the look in his eyes. But, thank God we were in a public place, so I was safe, no matter what. And I was sure I would never go back into that car again.

Waiting for my driver, I blocked him on WA and disconnected us on Bumble. Yes, he knows where I live, but I don’t believe him to be so dangerous he would come there.

I am so proud of myself.

For listening to my inner voice and not feeling any regret. Or guilty for his feelings. Or shame. No what-ifs at all.

I may finally get rid of the Being a Good Catholic Girl Syndrome.

How is your Catholic girl doing?

Bali, 2020 February 9

A friend of mine always had the dream of owning a Ferrari. When he started MLM, he was introduced to deliberate manifestation. To strengthen his visualization, he made an appointment at a Ferrari dealership for a test drive. 

To feel, see, smell, and fully experience the car. But picture this: He is a big guy; he could be a football player. So, to his disappointment, he discovered he was too big to fit in the car. 

This experience taught him, and later, he taught us that it is better to keep your wishes more open. His dream was not really about the Ferrari but more about the feeling of freedom and richness this car would give him.

I had a similar experience. I have had many cars of different types and brands. One of them was an Opel Corsa, and I loved that car. 

Therefore when I needed a new car, I focused on a Corsa, knowing how happy one had made me before. And I found one. Almost brand new. But when I owned this beautiful Corsa, I was disappointed. My life had changed, and the car didn’t fit my current circumstances. I now had a kid and a big dog which weren’t a good match with the relatively small Corsa. 

I got pregnant with our second, and my belly was so big that I could no longer get behind the wheel. I needed another car.

This time I let it open. My visualizations now were about me being utterly happy, driving my car. I would see my hands on the wheel and feel happiness. But I could not see the vehicle.

My husband suggested a Chevrolet Tahoe. Yes, now I know that the FBI always drives a Tahoe or a Suburban in movies. But at that time, I had no clue what kind of car this was. 

This Tahoe turned out to be the best car I have ever owned. 

It was a delight to drive. The seats were more luxurious than my chairs in the house. I could take the dog, my kids, and their friends or go to Ikea and take whatever I needed and was able to bring it all home. In addition, my husband could use this car for his job whenever his vehicle was in the shop. 

This car was an overall blessing.

This experience taught me more than ever: ‘you don’t know what you don’t know.’ Which now is my life motto. 

The saying: be careful what you wish for, applies to me wanting the Corsa. I got exactly what I wanted, but it was not what was best for me. Or, as they say: what I needed.

When I asked for the best car for me, I got a Tahoe that I didn’t know existed, and it turned out to be a perfect match.

Many gurus teach you to be as specific about what you want as possible. I now only ask for what is best for me. 

I trust the Universe to know.

Everywhere I live, I have sparrows around me.

There was a time in the Netherlands when everyone talked about how few sparrows were around and about the fear that the sparrows would go extinct. But, at that time, I had my garden full of these fantastic creatures.

I even had a bush in my garden I used to call the Sparrow Inn. So many of these beautiful little birds would sit in there chatting away.

I love the sound of chattering birds.

And I always have had a thing for sparrows.

When I was about ten, I did a school research project on them. And found out there are many different types of sparrows. One kind lives in hedges. Others prefer to build their nest at houses. And it is a bird that lives all over the world.

They seem so plain until you look closer and see how many different brown, black, and grey colors they have in their feather coats.

Many times I moved, and I always had sparrows in my garden.

Even here in Bali.

I have been living in this house for over a month, and I spotted a few sparrows this afternoon. That was the moment I realized they were not here before.

So I was sparrow-less for over a month without noticing it.

And they found me.

Again.

This time I started wondering: is having sparrows around a good thing?

There were sparrows in my life when my brother died.

There were sparrows in the house’s garden where I lived in an abusive relationship.

They were chattering away in the Sparrow Inn when my husband ended our marriage.

I was perfectly happy when they were not there. Are sparrows the bringers of bad news?

Then I realized;

They were also there on my wedding day.

Sparrows lived in our garden when my kids were born.

The sparrows brightened my day when I felt depressed.

Yes, I choose to believe these cheerful little birds are the bringers of good feelings and happiness.

I love having them around, and I wish they would be there wherever I go.

This also makes me see (loud and clear) that it is up to me how I look at things.

The phrase: “Nothing has a meaning until you give it one” applies here.

It is up to me if I see the positive or the negative. I choose the positive.

Do you?

‘The world is changing, and we are in The Transition Team,’ I tell my 11-year-old daughter proudly, and then I cry.

She told me she thinks she lives in the worst of times ever because of how people are treating our planet these days. ‘Nooo,’ I answer, ‘The world is changing, and we are in The Transition Team.’ That is how I feel.

There are so many wonderful things happening now in our world. I am sure more good than bad. But unfortunately, the media chooses only to show the bad, which gives us the idea, all is bad.

Even though I do not watch television or read newspapers, negative news comes to me daily on Social Media.

When I came to the beautiful island of Bali, I only saw the beauty and was all in Aw. Later I started seeing all the rubbish and plastic everywhere, and I found myself in another kind of Aw.

Whenever I go into a shop or a market, and they ask me if I want a plastic bag, or if they give it to me without asking, I tell them in a very disgusted voice: ‘noooo, tidak plastic.’ As if I have to teach them something.

Talking to a friend who was here five years ago and is living here now, I realize I am wrong. He tells me the plastic now is about one-third of what it was five years ago. So there already is a lot of improvement. There already is a transition going on.

I could have known since there are many (beach) clean-ups and bamboo is taking over plastic everywhere.

I tell my daughter she is here on this planet to be part of the change, on the positive side of it all. And that I am absolutely convinced:

Good will win over bad every time.

As I tell her it has to be so because that is why we are in Bali, I burst out in tears.

At that point, I realized more than ever that being on The Transition Team was why my marriage broke. My husband could not cope with it.

Never would I have thought of being the kind of mother that leaves her children behind. Yet I did. My beautiful 19-year-old son is many miles away from his mother, as is my wonderful 23-year-old daughter.

They are no toddlers, I know, but they still need their mother. I need mine, and I am in my fifties.

Thank God for the internet. So we can call, video call, and Whatsapp as much as we want. Wonderful. But drinking a cup of tea together and being able to hug each other is way better.

Don’t think I woke up one morning and decided to be part of The Team. Without realizing it, I must have been on it already for many years, maybe even forever.

I have always been different.

My house was smoke-free, 20 years before anyone else’s. We ate organic before any of my friends. I still meet people who need to learn about GMO, MSG, and everything else. But they do know all about the most horrible deceases and all the medicines that go along with them. Yet looking at what you eat is not in their book. Talking to them makes me feel like I am from another planet. 

You, the reader, may even ask yourself what food has to do with The Transition Team. 

The answer is; Everything.

My grandmother was not the kind of grandmother my friends had. She was the kind of grandmother my children have. So she was ahead of her time. And that is how I feel. As if I am ahead of my time. Which is not easy because it means I belong outside this time.

Coming from a line of strong women, I know I will survive this, as did the women before me. I can already see it in my daughters too. As I believe we choose our lives ourselves, I wonder why I decided to be on The Transition Team.

Is this all worth paying this price?

Then I read a post from someone on the warrior side of The Team saying that in a few years, our children will ask us what we did about all the bad things that were destroying our planet.

And he asked if your answer would be, you did something, or if your answer would have to be, you didn’t give a damn.

I know my answer. Do you know yours?

Bali, 2019 October 15

Do you ever experience those moments when everything seems to be going smoothly, and you start thinking to yourself,

“Wow, life is truly wonderful”?

But then, out of nowhere, chaos ensues, leaving you bewildered and unsure of where even to begin untangling the mess?

Well, the same kind of scenario recently unfolded with my website. I had this grand plan to switch over to a new domain name and integrate it seamlessly into my existing site.

However, as it turns out, I had the order of operations completely wrong, leading to unexpected complications.

So after a while, I decided to take a page out of the CTRL-ALT-DEL playbook: clear my mind and my site and start from scratch.

And let me tell you; it’s been an incredibly refreshing experience.

In fact, I’m genuinely looking forward to this fresh start and the possibilities it holds!

With love,

Isa