‘I’d rather live in his world than be without him in mine’ I hear the lady singing on the radio. I hear the words and let them sink in as she sings again: ‘I’d rather live in his world than be without him in mine’. I realize that is what I have been doing for many, many years.
I put my husband in position number 1, 2 and 3. Probably even in 4 and 5. Then my 3 amazing children. The dog, the cat, Guiney pigs, and chicken. And somewhere around here is where I would be.
I am living in this beautiful house, with a beautiful garden, with my beautiful family, a beautiful husband, and beautiful children. My beautiful mama is alive and kicking. We are all healthy. We travel. I am living The Life.
People look up to us. Some even envy us. Married for almost 25 years and still happy. We are an exemplary couple. Our children are doing great. They are polite and friendly, doing well in school. My dog is the best dog in the world. I am living The Life.
One day I notice I can see my children, I can see my husband, I can see the dog. I can hear them. I can even see and hear myself responding to them. It is as if I am not here. As if I am in a different dimension.
Next morning I find myself in their dimension again. This is strange. And it goes on and off. Me being in one dimension or the other. Whenever I am in the ‘off’ dimension and I am by myself, I cry. I don’t understand this. There is nothing to cry about. I’ve got everything I want, I’ve got everything I need. Why am I crying? What is even more confusing: there is only one thing I want when I am in that place: to get out. I mean really out, out.
Here I am, this upbeat woman, always smiling, always looking on the bright side of life, friends coming to me for that, since Jacqueline knows how to put focus on the positive stuff, Jacqueline knows where the positive stuff is, having to admit, I am in a depression.
I cry out to my best girlfriend. For me, it feels like crying out. But it is no more than a little whisper. The only thing I can get myself to say to her is that I am not okay. She doesn’t pick up.
In a fight with my husband, I cry out again. So he hears a whisper saying: ‘You have no idea how it feels, to have a mind that is so fucked up, I already wrote my letters of goodbye to you and the children’. I cannot get myself to tell him I already know when, where and how.
He picks up. He hears me. We talk about the possibilities of how to get me out of this. He suggests that I go to my mama’s and he will take care of things at home. This is funny to me because I don’t think he even knows what a vacuum cleaner looks like, let alone where to find it or how to use it. But I take him up on his offer. I don’t go to my mothers though. Instead, I go to Ibiza.
For the first 3 days in Ibiza, I only sleep. I feel like a grizzly bear. I sleep, eat and go to the bathroom, that’s the only thing I do. After that, I dig into the Internet and find what I need to get myself out of this depression. For me that is how the world works: the Universe provides.
It doesn’t stop there. This is the start of me digging myself out of the hole I put myself into and upgrading myself to being in position number 1, the main reason why I am here in Bali today, without my husband. I feel more alive than ever. Now I am living The Life: My Life.
I am not here to tell you how to get out of depression. I am also not here to talk you into one. What I am here to tell you is to not underestimate depression, to take it very seriously and to hear that little whisper, if it comes your way. Because I know, and I want you to know: it can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere.
Thank you.
Toastmasters – Ubud / 2019, September 4